Cooking Lessons
by lucyeloise
Summary: One of Darrens trials is to teach a prince to cook a meal for prince to be Kurda. Dunno where it's going though. Plz review.
1. My 1st trial

_Ok. This is just really random. I dunno what's gonna happen. Please review. I'd be grateful. _

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**Cooking Lessons**

Darren's POV

Oh my god. I'm so nervous. The trials. Aaahhhhhh! Kurda says they're really hard. I hope it's an easy one to start off with. I don't want to fail and be sentenced to death for the first. Oh my god that would be so embarrassing!

Praise the gods of the vampires. I've made it up to the princes.

Paris Skyle looks encouraging but I did see Mika and Arrow exchange looks. They don't believe I'm going to pass. Well I'm just going to have to prove them wrong.

Just then Paris rose up out of his throne, looked around and said "Greetings vampires. We know why we are here so I shall not bother with a speech. I do think that I speak for everybody when I say though, may the gods of the vampires be with you, Darren Shan."

Everyone clapped and I was told to pick a pebble from a bag. The pebble would have a number on it and that would declare which trial I would have to endure.

I put my hand into the bag and drew one out. I gave it to Arrow, who gasped and gulped out to the hall shakily

"Number 12."

The hall erupted with whispers, eventually shushed by a frowning Mika Ver Leth who, with a worried look on his face called out to the hall

"Darren Shan has picked out trial 12. We all know that is an extremely hard trial and nobody has yet passed it. Darren Shan, start practicing for your 1st trial. We will see you next in the feared… _hall of food… _

Huh?

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_Y__AY! First chapter down only so many more to go. OOHH. I hope I get reviews for this one. It's really weird._


	2. Finding answers

Ok then I'm gonna make this chapter longer than the first I hope. Thanks for the review ppl just what I needed to carry on. Sorry if I keep changing the tense.

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**Cooking Lessons**

Darren's POV

Ok. I'm so confused. What was the hall of food? Why had no one passed it? And why did Vanez say that he couldn't help me? Was he not the games master? God, I need to get some answers.

I went to Kurdas quarters and decided to ask him what the hell my trial was.

When I arrived, I knocked, and waited for an answer. There was none so I peeped inside and saw Kurda asleep, head on a pile of books, snoring lightly.

"Aaaww." I said quietly. "He looks so peaceful" As I approached him, to wake him, I noticed what the books were.

They were Cooking Books! Huh. Well obviously Kurda was too busy reading books to help me so I went to go and see Seba instead.

The second oldest vampire was sitting in the hall of Khledon Lurt talking with tired looking Prince Mika Ver Leth.

As I got nearer Seba saw me and rose in greeting.

"Hello Darren" he said with surprisingly cheerfulness.

"Hi Seba, Good afternoon sire" I replied sullenly. I wasn't happy. I'd come to Seba looking for comfort and answers and he looked as if he'd no care in the world.

"Oh thanks Seba," I thought sarcastically. " I'm only gonna fail my trials and you're sitting here as if all my questions had been answered by a king."

I stopped mid-thought. I looked at Mika and he smiled at me.

Oh.

"Darren, you will be pleased to know that Sire Ver Leth has come to help you with your trials." Seba smiled.

I looked at Mika once again and apologised for my terrible mood. " Thanks sire. You don't know how much I appreciate you being able to help me. Sorry for my behaviour but I was afraid that I would fail my trials but now that I have you I'm sure I'll pass"

He nodded in approval of my mini speech and beckoner for me to sit down. I did so and he started to explain what my trial was.

By the time he'd finished filling me in I was grinning like an idiot.

Basically all I had to do was cook a meal for the prince to be Kurda without him knowing anything of it and without getting any bad comments. He told me not to get too bigheaded though because it was a very hard trial.

What was sohard about that? I'd done a bit of cooking as a human and none of that had tasted horrible.

Well. Not _too_ horrible anyway.

I was so happy. I was so sure I would pass despite the warning. I ran into the kitchens as fast as lightning, Mika at my heels. When I reached the kitchens I burst through the doors, I looked around for cooking tools to start practicing and stopped abruptly.

All there was in the kitchens were a few knives, a pit to burn things and about nine pots and pans.

As I was looking around, mouth open horrified, Mika came and stood up behind me and whispered in my ear

"Now do you see why it's yet to be passed?"

I turned around to him and nodded slowly then ran to go see the most feminine person I knew. (Not including Arra because she's like a man.)

Gavner.


	3. Moods and moo's

Okay, thanks for all the reviews, I'm so happy, and my foster mum's so proud, Lol. I'm just making these up as I go along so you know. Have pity. My first longish story.

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**Cooking Lessons**

Darren's POV

I couldn't believe it. I was so unhappy. Again. At first I was confused.

Then I was pissed.

Then I was happy.

Then I was horrified.

Then I was unhappy. Which I still am.

I couldn't believe they expected me to cook a _meal_ with those crappy tools. I can't even make bat broth for god's sake.

I have to go and see Gavner to get him to help me, Mika did offer to help me and I refused because I was in a state of shock. Then he got all in a huff and I found him half an hour later chatting Arra up. I don't think Mr Crepsley would ever forgive him if he became Arras mate though.

But that's off topic.

Yeah, anyway, I arrived at Gavners quarters and I found him asleep. Snoring. I was too annoyed to let him sleep so I ran at him and screamed in his ear.

He still didn't wake up. He just snuffled.

Ok. Now I was so angry, I could feel smoke coming out of my ears.

Although not literally.

As if he could feel my anger, Gavner suddenly jumped out of bed and screamed like a baby.

Like a very ugly baby.

When he saw me he stopped yelling and screaming, coughed and politely asked me what I wanted.

I couldn't help but smile at the look on his face and I asked him what kind of food is kept in the mountain.

Gavner looked at me then with a nod of understanding, took my shoulder and led me out of his room. (He was already clothed)

"Okay, Darren you want to know what food's kept in the mountain, right?" asked Gavner with a twinkle in his eyes.

"Well yeah, I thought that much was obvious." I answered, getting annoyed again.

Were they all smart mouth dumbasses?

Clearly.

Gavner looked at me and took a deep breath.

"Well Darren how about I _show_ you what food is kept in the mountain!"

I stared at him.

" I thought only the princes were allowed to see what food there is."

Gavner giggled like a little boy and I knew what he meant.

I sighed.

I might get kicked out the mountain before I even started the trial.

Oh well.

" Alright, but we can't get caught!" I snapped.

He held his hands up in a surrender posture and led me away to the stores below.

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"Okay Darren now I know it's not a lot but we do have cows and a few chickens. Oh and of course we have never-ending supply of bats for bat broth."

Gavner was pointing around at a hall not too big but not small, and explaining what food's were behind the doors in the walls.

I felt a bit sickened because most of the vampires ate their food raw and I didn't feel like butchering a cow or chicken. I'd get covered in blood. Eugh

It's kinda silly I guess. A vampire being worried about blood.

Gavner, obviously sensing my troubles nudged me and pointed to the door leading out back to the main tunnels.

"Let's go talk to Mika" he winked." He doesn't mind the sight of a bit of blood."

I laughed numbly as I walked behind him. A _bit_ of blood.

That was a _bit_ of an understatement.

Or so I thought.

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Yay! I did a longer chapter. I think it's my longest so far. I love this chapter and I have a plan, readers with weak stomachs, do not read next chap. Or do but I'm just warning you. 


	4. Eugh!

Hey peeps, I know that some people were expecting a gory chapter but it's not gonna be gory, because I decided to add another chapter. Gory chapter will be after this one. I promise.

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****Cooking Lessons**

I played with my thumbs nervously; I was waiting outside Mika's quarters, waiting to be invited in. Gavner was talking to Mika at the moment and I didn't want to make the tired senior any more crotchety.

Apparently Arra had rejected him, he had offered to be her mate and she had said no. He was in for a rough day, Mr Crepsley had vowed to beat the crap out of Mika today/tonight, ranks of the vampires be damned.

But that's off topic.

Finally, after waiting about 15 minutes Gavner popped his head round the door and muttered to me

"You can come in now Darren, but sire Ver Leth says don't touch _anything._"

I was kind of shocked by his manner, usually Gavner was bright and bubbly, always smiling and cracking jokes.

Now he looked down and rather sick.

I shuffled into the room to see Mika sitting behind a desk, looking quite rejected.

I sniggered quietly to myself.

"_I wonder why he's feeling down_" I though sarcastically.

Gavner tugged at my arm and I saw that he wanted me to sit down. I did so and addressed the prince

"Hello sire Ver Leth" I tried hard not to smile. Just as I was about to ask what we were doing about my trials I heard shouts and Gavner shrieked at Mika.

"Mika! Run he's coming, he's gonna beat then crap out of you!" Gavner was panting and trying to pull him out the room but Mika refused to budge.

"No Gavner, I will face this like a man, because I am one, but not just that, I am a vampire prince." He then suddenly turned from talking softly to yelling hysterically "I WILL NOT RUN AWAY LIKE A COWARD! I WILL FACE LARTEN CREPSLEY LIKE THE WARRIOR I AM!"

He ran out the room and almost smacked into Arra who had come to see the fight.

Mr Crepsley skidded round the corner and I saw a thought race through Arra's brain.

"STOP!" she yelled. " I have two men wanting to be my mate and I must choose one or the other. Whoever wins this fight I will choose to be my mate."

"Hold on," I shouted, "Mika is supposed to be helping me with my trial. I'm not going to get _another_ delay am I?"

"Do not worry Darren," my mentor Larten Crepsley said to me," Mika will have plenty of time to show how to suck the blood out of cows later. Then I am sure he will be able to squeeze in a few more minutes to help you butcher them."

Oh My God.

I was hardly aware of the two men beating each up around me, even when Larten happened to rip way Mika's shirt with nails, with a big gasp from a certain, manly lady, and a certain feminine man. Of course it wasn't just the material that ripped, he left a nasty wound. Mika screamed and bit off the top part of Lartens big toe. They weren't in a good position; it looked like they were trying to give each other blowjobs.

But that's kind of off topic.

As I stood against the wall, thinking about my trial and the walk to the hall of death then Seba hobbled over to me and squeezed my shoulder.

"Come," He said mysteriously "I wish to show something to you."

I hovered a bit then decided to follow the old quartermaster. Seba led me down, deep into the tunnels, where I'd never been before. We were eventually being swallowed by darkness and whispered to Seba

"Seba, where are we going?" No answer. "Seba this isn't funny, I have a trial to prepare for!" I snapped quietly.

As I was walking around blindly I stood on something long and smooth. I ran my hand along it, only to hear a person groan.

"Seba, Seba is that you?"

"Darren?" I heard Seba say. "Stop touching that persons bone!"

I took my hand away from the smooth object straight away.

"Was that a bone, Seba?" I asked sickly. "A human bone, a dead human bone?"

"Well," Seba said slowly "I wouldn't say it was dead."

I looked at him as he lit a torch that he'd found further on. He had a strange twinkle in his eye.

Eugh.

"Um Seba, just so you know I'm not gay, okay."

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I managed to get some answers out of Seba as we were walking down the tunnel; he was taking me to a place of burial for the guardians. He said I was to do something to them that I would do when I did Kurdas meal.

He also said that I should brace myself for a sickly time. I refused to move until he gave me some proper information.

So he did. In fact he told me everything.

He told me that I would have to suck all the blood out of the guardian and scrape out the guts, then peel off all the skin and chop up the tough meat. Usually vampires drink the blood and eat the guts and skin but I blatantly refused.

I then puked. And puked. And puked.

When I thought I was done puking I opened my mouth and puked again. And again. And again.

I felt like Gary off team America for god's sake.

Finally I finished puking and was fit to ask Seba something.

"Are you a cock or a pussy?" as soon as I said it I clamped a hand my around mouth, horrified.

"HOW DARE YOU!" Seba roared. "I HAVE ANSWERED ALL YOUR QUESTIONS AND PUT UP WITH YOUR MOODS AND ALL YOU DO IS ASK DISRESPECTFUL QUESTIONS!"

"Sorry Seba, I wasn't thinking straight." I said meekly.

"Too right you were not thinking straight." Seba said gruffly.

Then, smiling, Seba clapped his hands and said in a wicked voice. "Now Darren, are you ready to do some butchering?"

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YAY! Sorry about delaying the gory chapter, it's next chapter, I promise. R&R. 


	5. Authors Note

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Authors Note

 Okay, this is just to tell you lot who are actually reading "cooking lessons" that I am writing he next chapter but I need to get a memory stick because I have a new computer and I need to move all my fics onto the new computer.

Sorry to keep you waiting and I haven't forgotten it. I'll carry on ASAP.

Hopefully it should only take about another day or around that. 


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